The Ache of Limited Love

Another blog post, yet again with a heavy heart… I’m truly grateful I started this blog. It allows me to vent and share what’s inside my mind because, honestly, no human advice or care can console me right now. I wouldn't say I feel lighter after posting, but maybe my words will reach someone out there who has felt the same heartache, someone who might find some comfort in knowing they aren’t alone. Maybe, just maybe, my writing will help them, someday, somewhere.

Today, I’m talking about limited love. Perhaps my expectations are too much, or maybe this is just the reality of the world we live in , where social media dominates, and genuine love and care from loved ones feel like a rare commodity.

People like me, old-fashioned, still believing in roses and horses, struggle to survive in this fast-paced world. Although I sometimes miss the warmth of a companion, I feel grateful to be single in this current landscape where sex and lust seem to take precedence, and love, real love, feels increasingly scarce. But enough about the world outside. Let me talk about my world... MY DAUGHTER!!

She’s a teenager now. I never thought there would come a day when she would be away from me. The idea of not being by her side every day is so painful it feels unbearable...I suppose I was naive...too blind or foolish or too stupid to imagine this reality....but now that it’s happening

I feel utterly unprepared to face this crushing reality. In this house, I’ve always had my room upstairs but I rarely used it....I wanted to be with her...even on days when I craved solitude and calm.. I stayed in this room with her..giving her a little space on this bed, breathing in her scent, holding her close...those moments were and are everything to me.

Last night, she started talking about her future, her plans, her dreams for life, about taking a gap year after high school, which is only six months away, hit me harder than I ever anticipated, and for the first time, I realized something that took me by surprise... I wasn’t part of it. I wasn’t beside her in her vision of the plans. And that realization cut deeper than I ever imagined. I couldn’t sleep. It scared me, honestly. I hate to cry, and I hate seeing people cry. But after this discussion, I couldn’t stop crying... I cried in front of my team during the meeting today. That’s something new. I’m raw, vulnerable, and for the first time..I get how much this is hurting me. Wow.

I know I probably sound ridiculous, maybe even childish, and I hesitated to share this with anyone. Not because I fear judgment but because of how foolish I might seem. But the truth is, I want to see her every day. I want to kiss her goodnight every night until I hit the ice box.

The thought of this distance, this separation, all in the name of higher studies, careers, and everything else that feels so meaningless in comparison to being together, it’s just too much to bear. For what? For money? How could any of that ever outweigh the joy of being close to each other, of sharing the little, irreplaceable moments of everyday life?

I can’t lose this time with her. I can’t sacrifice these precious moments for something that feels so empty in comparison. The thought of it all breaks me. I can’t even work today. All I can do is cry, and it won’t stop. I feel powerless to change it.

You know what’s ironic? I was the one who suggested the gap year idea, hoping we’d spend more time together. But the moment I mentioned it, she lit up, called me “super mommy,” and immediately started making plans for herself. I didn’t know how to react. What I thought would bring us closer now feels like it’s pushing us further apart. I’m still not sure how to handle this, but all I feel is pain.

The thought of her living a life where I’m not a constant part of it...it feels so profoundly wrong like a piece of my heart is being torn away. It’s not just painful...it’s an ache that lingers, a void I don’t know how to fill. And what’s even harder to face is the fact that this is just the beginning. This separation, this growing distance, is only the start of what’s to come, her moving further into her independence, her career, her wedding someday, and the life she’ll build for herself. I know these milestones are beautiful and inevitable, but the thought of them fills me with a bittersweet ache...nah just ache!!! They’re nothing short of heartache wrapped in shiny paper. There’s no sweetness in this so-called bittersweet journey, it’s just bitter, plain and simple. Everyone will say, “You should be so proud,” as if pride alone can fill the gaping void where bedtime hugs, goodnight kisses, shared rooms, and endless laughter used to live. It’s the beginning of a new chapter for her, but it feels like the end of so much for me.

Two things console me:

1. She’s still a baby, and her hormones are speaking about independence.

2. Her friends are dreaming big, and that will undoubtedly inspire her, but she can't be away for too long.

I’m holding onto these thoughts, and I’ll leave the pain and emotion to the universe to handle...Amen 🙏